I am not sure if I got this idea from anywhere or if I made it up. When Miss Z was a bit older (probably around 10 months, but I can’t be sure), I started having trouble with putting her to sleep at night. She would cry as soon as I left the bedside. To start I just stayed a couple of minutes and I didn’t think it was a big deal.
But then 2 minutes grew to 5 minutes (as soon as I got up to go she would cry, even if she sounded fast asleep). 5 minutes turned into 10, and when it reached 20, I thought enough is enough.
In comes the “1 minute cry rule”. I would let her cry for just one minute – precisely timed on my phone’s timer. If she stopped crying during that time I would start the timer again. After the minute had passed I would go to the room, lie her down, give her the dummy and tuck her in. All without saying a word. And I would leave again. If she cried again, I started the time again. I would repeat the process as many times as needed. Needless to say I don’t recommend you go downstairs every time, unless you need the exercise. Sometimes, you could see that she stopped just to hear if I was coming, and then she would start again. Pure manipulation! RESET!
The first night I did this, it took 30 minutes of going in and out for her to give up. It could have taken longer, I was prepared for that. The second night it was 10 minutes and the 3rd night it was only 5 minutes. There wasn’t a fourth night.
Please take note that I only used this strategy because I knew that her cries were manipulative – she just wanted me to sit there FOREVER. She wasn’t it pain and she didn’t need anything. You have to be tuned in to your child’s cries to be able to notice the difference.
I have spoken to friends who tell me they cannot stand leaving their child to cry. I totally understand and agree. If my child is crying of pain, or they need help with anything, I don’t wait to go there. Crying is their main language.
But there are cries and there are cries. You have to be able to tell the difference. And then you need the courage and strength to face the challenge and nip it in the bud. It’s up to you – a few days of pain versus endless months of going to their bedroom and just sitting there.
The reason my 1-minute rule works (I think) is that the child sees that you have not abandoned her. After every minute of you are going there, tucking her in, showing her you love her (with actions but no words). But what she also realises is that she isn’t getting what she wanted – communication, you sitting there just coddling her, etc.
And at the end of the day it’s an endurance battle. Either you win, or she does. I don’t much like losing.
Later edit: Miss A has reached the 7 months mark and has started to cry when I leave the room. Even if it sounds like she’s fast asleep, as soon as I get up to go she starts crying.
And so I started using this technique but reduced the time to 30 seconds. It has worked like a charm. First few times were tough, having to go in and out of the room more than 20 times. But now, she is able to stop crying by herself after just a couple of times. It’s great to see her self-soothe herself like that…