Miss Z has broken up with me.
I think it was a long time coming… probably ever since I gave up on her, when she was 12, and sent her to live with Dad in another country.
In my defence, I couldn’t handle her rebel behaviour, verbal and physical abuse, the complete lack of respect, etc.
But of course one could say that I was the parent, and should have had more strength.
Well, I didn’t. After so many mistakes I made, it all came back like a boomerang. My daughter was completely out of control, and I blamed myself.
To preserve my own sanity (, health) and the environment of my other 2, I sent her away.
Fast forward 4 years, and she basically hates me. I’ve made recurring efforts to see her when I can, to include her in our family holidays and to seek some sort of counselling for us – to no avail. She refuses help, she triggers easily into an uncontrollable rage where she resorts to violent behaviour and I feel ever more guilty of everything. She hates my partner too and resents me getting married again.
It’s not only me that she’s like that with. Other people in the family, including her Dad, who is a super chill guy, have been targets.
She’s just turned 17. Next year she’ll be an adult. And today she said black and white for me to accept that I’m not a part of her life. To basically just leave her alone. And then blocked me.
In recent times the phone only rings when she needs money to buy something.
I know I’m a strict mom, and my partner even more so. My other 2 complain also, but at least they respect us and work with us as a team. Things are not perfect, but they’re not bad.
My therapist tells me I have to stop carrying this guilt. That maybe Miss Z would turn out like this, even if I had been the perfect Mom. That I did and do the best that I can at each point in time, given the knowledge and experience I had in that present moment.
I would like to believe I’m a good Mom. I have hopes that my all kids will let me be a part of their lives when they grow up. But sometimes I get very down thinking that it won’t happen.
And then the blame game starts again… 😢