I already feel like I’m a failure as a Mom most days, on account of the fact that I couldn’t handle my eldest daughter and her very strong will to battle every single ounce of authority that I tried to exert on her. And when I say battle, I mean that literally, as I experienced all sorts of verbal and physical abuse in the last couple of years that she lived with me.
I basically see all of that as being my fault, that I’m a bad Mother, and I should have been better. I shouldn’t have shouted, I shouldn’t have smacked, I should have had more patience and done a better job.
So I lost 1 out of 3 (when she went to live with her Dad) and have since felt the void left in my heart pounding like a giant echo, every day.
But it seems the other 2 are slowly pushing the boundaries more and more. And it seems they only do it with me. Is it because they know I care? Is it because they know they can get away with it? Do they consciously do it, or is it just the way it is?
Either way, I am slowly going insane. Is it possible that this is the role in my life where I’m always going to feel incompetent? Having been successful on my professional life for the most part, why can’t I be good at motherhood like other mothers can?
Should I quit? Am I allowed to quit? Or is society going to harshly judge me as a selfish person that put herself first? Are we even able to put ourselves second, really? If we don’t keep ourselves alive and well, how are we suppose to do it for our little human beings?
I don’t feel “alive and well”. I feel lethargic, tired, run down, unfit. I feel irritated, stressed and impatient. I easily get headaches and my eyes start twitching. I often have back and neck pain.
I guess I’m just getting old 😭
The thought does cross my mind every once in a while of shipping the 2 kids to their Dad. He’s mentioned on a few occasions how he wouldn’t mind having all 3 of them. I have no idea how that dynamic would work, now that our eldest is used to “being an only child” in that house. It would probably create chaos. At least that’s what I think, and so I blow away the thought as an impossibility.
And I carry on, one day at a time, with an almost 10 year old that behaves like a toddler, with her frequent and loud tantrums, and the newly arrived teenager that is no longer my little boy, but has instead become a “full of attitude little man”…
Am I ready to quit? Not yet. Tomorrow will be better.