This is a year of milestones. I could tell you all about how my eldest daughter is now 16 (and knowing it all, as teenagers do), or my son turned 14 and is now taller than me, or the little one turning 11 just a few days ago and now learning to cook with Granny.
But the most significant milestone in my mind, selfishly, is that I just turned 50 years old.
And when they say that it all happens in a blink of an eye, believe you me, it’s true.
It seems that just the other day I was in my early twenties and emigrating to South Africa to start a new adventure, and blink, I was back in Portugal celebrating my 50th birthday with friends and family.
It annoys me that we don’t retain all our memories… like the movie ”Inside Out” depicts, maybe there is a “Joy” inside us, removing the bad stuff. But funny enough, there seems to be limited capacity for the good stuff too. At my party, I asked some of my guests to recall and tell stories of memories they had of me. And it was amazing to hear. Especially the ones I didn’t know/remember.
The way we impact people’s lives along the way is a remarkable thing. And it was emotional to remember.
Today I was walking along with my sister and brother-in-law and we were talking about Miss Z. I was basically lamenting how she acts out, is very rude when you push her triggers and is basically in the “I don’t care (about anything)” phase. It hurts like hell! My better half was arguing the point that Miss Z. doesn’t respect anyone and that there’s boundaries that she just cannot cross… to which my brother-in-law said “but, you know, she is a product of her experiences… like we all are…”
A few hours later, the thought dawned upon me… “hurt people hurt people”… and both Dad and I were so emotionally damaged in our youths… how could we possibly get it right in our parenting? Especially with the first one? With no experience, no manual, no good references to look up to?
I know I can’t change the past… I know life is a boomerang… and now I’m getting back what I put out to the world… but there must be a way to break the cycle! I need to believe that there is.
I do my best every day to be different with the other 2. I think I fail most of the time, but I keep at it. I know I’ve been a good parent in terms of providing for their basic needs, of being consistent in my values, boundaries, expectations, etc… but, like my own Dad… I don’t think I fill their emotional tanks. Not the way they need me to, not the way I needed when I was a kid.
It’s hard work being a parent. Mostly because when you are one, you are really forced to change who you’ve become – because of your parents – so you don’t carry on being exactly like them and perpetuate the negative cycle…
Keep at it! You’ll be a great parent by the time you’re a grand-parent (pun intended)!
♥️