I was at a meet up this evening where a panel of women talked to an audience (made up mainly of women) about the stuff we should all know about having kids and managing a career before we have them.
I was pleased to see an audience with a varied age demographic. Most of these women work in and around technology and, like me, are interested in this ever present theme of how to juggle it all.
There were young women there wanting to know when is the right time to have kids.
There were first time pregnant women wanting to know if you should plan your return to work in advance and continue to do some work throughout maternity leave.
There were women that were new Moms and were navigating the challenges of negotiating flexible working arrangements with their respective employers.
And then there were the panellists, the experts that have been there, done that and have good stories to tell on how they each coped with different situations.
In summary the advice given was that there isn’t a right time to having kids. The only right time is when you (and your partner if applicable) want to do it. There is a career after motherhood even if for a while it isn’t the same job you thought / planned to come back to.
Life will change beyond your wildest dreams (or worst fears as it may be). Nothing will stay the same and that is ok. Having an employer and a manager that understands that is key to your continued success (and sanity).
It is also unrealistic to plan everything and believe things will go exactly according to plan. Any 1st time expectant mother will tell you to make a birth plan and every Mom will tell you to keep an open mind about the plan.
Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest contributors to diminished performance when you’re a parent and it doesn’t go away after the first few months. Children will continue to need you through the night for years to come. Teenagers too!
The demands on your time from your family are not going to go away. Excellent time management is essential and a life saver if you are going to survive.
Work life balance is not so much about balance but more about flexibility. Again, having a sympathetic employer is key to making this work, but one has to be bold and ask for what they want and be prepared to negotiate.
When thinking of balance think of yourself too. Most Mothers focus solely on work and on their family to their own detriment. If you don’t have “me time” find it or else you will be on a fast track to burnout and then you won’t be able to be there for your family either. Part of your life has to be just about you.
If you love your job but your company is not a family focused company, consider finding another company. When you search make sure you know what the company’s ethos about family is and what their maternity/paternity policies are.
If you hate your job and it’s just a means to put food on the table make sure you don’t tell your kids about it. They won’t understand why you would choose to do something you hate instead of spending time with them.
Doing house renovations, moving house and the like when you’re on maternity leave might sound like a good idea when you’re pregnant. It’s not.
Some of the panellists talked of their regret of succumbing to the pressure and going back to work too early. They said they wouldn’t do it again. If you go back to work earlier than you were expecting to, make sure you are doing it for you and not for other people, the company, etc.
Several women that have had kids mentioned that a good support system is crucial. Having an equal partner that is prepared to share the load (or even take a step back in his/her own career to be the main carer), having a great childminder or nanny, having a parent that can support, etc, are all big factors in your own ability to cope and succeed when you return from leave.
Your brain is not the same. That’s ok. That too shall pass. You will get back on the horse and be as effective and productive as you were before the rollercoaster of hormones invaded your body. And you will be augmented with an incredible capacity to multitask, a fantastic ability to empathise (not only with other parents but with people’s issues and life challenges generally) and a new set of priorities for your life.
I was particularly interested in the topic of guilt and how career minded women that take on a lot in their lives (myself an example) should cope with the occasional bout of guilt for not spending enough time with their kids. The answer was to focus on the quality of time spent with them. In those moments, as little they may be, when you are with your kids, really be with them. Make sure they know that even among all the busyness they are your first priority and you will always be there for them. Love them in each moment you are with them and give them your full attention. As a young woman in the audience that has two siblings and was raised by a single Mom said, children can be very forgiving and they will understand the pressures on your time.
Ultimately, the journey into parenthood can’t be put in a box as we would do with a project we have to manage at work. From the moment it starts, when your find out you’re having a baby, the only thing that is guaranteed is change.
When a particularly difficult time comes just know that it will pass. And some easier and then some more difficult times will come. And it will go on and on as a never ending cycle of discovery, adaptation and mastery. Over and over again.
At the end of the day, just breathe, enjoy your work life, spend time on yourself, your partner and your family… And make sure they all know they’re loved to bits.
😉