I am actually perplexed that we’re in February already. I can hardly remember the Christmas break anymore, bar for the fact that I was rather exhausted afterward.
The month of January has gone in a flash and I’ve been so busy that I find myself once again feeling guilty about whether I’m spending enough quality time with my kids.
These last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand the exhilaration of moving forward with my side project, overcoming obstacles that I feared insurmountable and, on the other, sadness and fear at my parents poor health.
I am now on my way to Portugal to see them at this difficult time when my Dad has decided it’s time to put my Mom in a nursing home. He has been taking care of her (and everything else) for a long time and he’s reached his limit. He has also fallen ill and is suffering terribly with the situation.
As I sat on my couch on Sunday night I couldn’t stop the tears coming down. Thoughts about my Mom never again coming to my house invaded my mind and I was sobbing like a baby.
“Alzheimer’s sucks!” (I’m sure folks can replace whatever illness name affects them or their families in that sentence). Being far away makes it even more difficult – a sense of powerlessness that one can’t shift or resolve.
As I said goodbye to the kids this morning my eldest (the only one that understands something of what’s going on) said she didn’t want me to go. I’m not too sure if her concern was more for me being away or for making sure there would be an alternative person that would give her a reward if she had enough stickers on her reward chart at the weekend. I hope it was the former.
I explained that my parents are not well (as I had told her before) and that they needed me. I also said that I hope one day when I’m old she would do the same thing for me.
I may have said it in a slightly irritated voice which I regretted later, but I hope she forgives me for that and understands why I’m going.
On the whole, I feel like I’ve reached this moment in my life where I can see and appreciate what life is like at the beginning and at the end. And although it’s scary to see where I’m headed it’s still worth it for all the amazing experiences that, I hope, are still to come.
Having my children and seeing them grow and have children of their own keeps me motivated to carry on. Even knowing that much pain awaits me as well. My Mother has always been there to comfort me in my pain. And her wisest words were always “this is how life is and we just need to keep moving forward”.
Love you Mommy. Love you Daddy. ❤