When I was pregnant with Mr A (and to some extent with Miss A) and found out I had a 1 in 5 chance of Downs syndrome I was devastated. I think nothing prepares you for that kind of situation.
Whilst I know that life is not a bed of roses and bad stuff happens, when you’re faced with this possibility (especially after feeling sick for weeks) you have to allow yourself time to digest.
In my case everything was well in the end, but if I had had a positive result I would have chosen termination. I can only imagine how that feels for parents that do make that decision as I’ve not had to go through it myself.
But what I can talk about is the loss I felt after my miscarriage (between Mr A and Miss A). I was 8 weeks into the pregnancy and you might argue that it’s better when it happens early on rather than later, when you can feel the baby moving or when he/she is already a perfectly formed baby (externally).
I just want to put forward my opinion that any loss is emotionally devastating. Whether your baby dies as a little seed, at six months old, at birth, or as a result of termination, this is very hard to cope with.
I think sometimes there is a rush (whether from Mom herself or from people around her – spouse, other family members, medical staff) to make sure that you’re well physically, and you’re moving on.
Most people won’t understand the long term effects of such an event. And for your own mental sanity, you shouldn’t downplay what’s happening to you. I don’t like imposing advice like this and most of the time I don’t. But I think this one is really important. If left “buried” within you, this emotional feeling of loss can consume you. You need to go through it and come out on the other side.
I didn’t feel particularly supported or empathised with. I tried to “move on” straight away only to feel the emotional sadness later (in bucket loads) – at odd times, such as when the 12 week mark came, when his/her due date came, when what would have been the first birthday came. Still today I imagine whether it would have been a boy or a girl. I wonder if it had brown or blue eyes…
I don’t advocate dwelling on the feelings of loss. Life goes on after all. We all experience loss of family members and friends. We even feel loss when strangers die (public figures, children in Africa, natural disasters, etc.), but after a while we do move past it.
All I’m saying is don’t ignore the pain. Feel it as long as you need to feel it, and then move on. Otherwise it may eat you up inside and make you lose the spark of life yourself.
And for your other children, for your family members, for your friends, for your world, allow yourself to go through the tunnel of grief, so you can come out the other side. They will be happy when you’re, once again, happy and alive.