Today has a bitter sweet taste.
My Mom passed away nearly 2 months ago. It was a long time coming as she had Alzheimer’s Disease, in the very late stages, for quite some time.
Yet, I still don’t know how to deal with the definitive loss. She’s no longer here, I can no longer touch her and feel her warmth… give her cuddles, feel her hair…
I’m grateful for being alive, for being healthy and for the family and friends that love me. I feel especially grateful for my own children, who are so special to me.
Miss Z (she’s gone back to her birth name and gender now) is still living in Portugal with her Dad and I think she’s happy there. She surprised us all by having very good grades at school for the first semester, when we had no expectations of that happening due to the language gap. I miss her terribly and we don’t talk much (teenagers!), but I visit her every chance I get, and it’s lovely just being able to give her cuddles.
The other two are at this moment downstairs with my niece, whispering away, preparing a “surprise” Mother’s Day breakfast. I am not allowed to leave my room yet. My youngest, Miss A, says it’s now a tradition.
I feel mostly that life is an emotional rollercoaster and I’m just going through the motions at the moment, between sadness and joy, grief and gratitude.
I finally took the first step in healing by reaching out to a therapist that I believe will help all of us as a family heal from past hurts and deal with difficult emotions going forward. I trust I will be a better Mom on the other side of this process, and be closer to my kids as a result. I hope they appreciate it too, in the long run.
I look back at my memories of my Mom, and I think I became her. There’s good and bad in that. I picked up lots from my Dad too… some things I don’t really like… so here’s to new beginnings, because we can always start over, as long as we’re alive.
Happy Mother’s Day! 💙