It was thirteen years ago today that I became a mom. I can’t say that I knew what that meant back then. Sure, I had an idea, but really understanding what it meant… I didn’t.
Do I now? I’m not sure. One of the reasons why I think motherhood is an art, rather than a science, is that each person does it differently and one way doesn’t work for all. And you keep developing it as you go along.
I had difficult pregnancies. One more difficult than the previous. But the end result, as they say and I agree, is worth all the pain.
And bringing that little bundle of joy home, for the first time, you have no idea this tiny little being is going to be your undoing.
Challenging notions of what’s right and wrong, what should and shouldn’t be, how expectations are meant to be broken, and how, sometimes, you will feel all is lost.
I’m at one of those crossroads now, with Miss Z, my eldest, going to live with her Dad abroad this summer.
It wasn’t my choice, but it’s the only way forward at the moment.
And as much as it pains me every time I think about it, this is what’s been agreed and decided. Hopefully, it’s the right decision.
Every time I consider the possibility of overturning that decision, I’m faced with a challenge that I cannot cope with.
Much can be said about the effects Covid has had on this outcome. It’s been a difficult year and a half for everyone. We all had it in our house back in January. The kids didn’t feel a thing. Me, not that lucky. I’m still feeling long term effects.
Raising a teenager requires strength, endurance, patience, and a lot of empathy. My daughter only really becomes a teenager today… but in her mind, it’s been a couple of years. And my state of health is now badly affected.
Dad moved out of the UK at the end of last year, and with that move, the kids were meant to be at mine full time. Problem is, I cannot cope. And so the decision was made.
I can’t tell you how many times there is a voice in my head, questioning my decision, calling me a failed mother… and I believe it too.
But right now, it’s about survival. And, in addition to my own health, I also need to think of my other 2 kids.
So, I’m letting go, saying “see you later” and putting my trust in God, that He will take care of my little bundle, and return her to me, safe and sound, sooner rather than later…
Love you my big girl!