What do you do when your 10 (almost 11) year old, proposes that the “solution to this situation” (which he knows I’m gonna be mad about) is suicide?
It was the second time he mentioned this. And I thought I had dealt with it pretty well the first time. That I nipped it in the bud.
But clearly not. Saying to your child who’s having these kinds of thoughts that life is precious, that there are ups and downs, that I made him from scratch and that I just want him to live a healthy and happy life… is not enough.
Yesterday he came home from school and asked if he could play on the Xbox. I told him he could but that he should read first and there were also some chores to do. He proposed he do the chores and then play Xbox for an hour, after which he would read. I said ok.
I am still working remotely so we were in the same room. But I was engrossed in my work and just wanted to get everything finished before I could log off. I realised he wasn’t going to stop playing on his own when I looked at the time and the 1 hour was long gone. So I told him “ it’s been already 30 minutes more than what you said”… which he replied “ok, just finishing”. I continued my work. 15 minutes later, still no signs of him letting go. So I gave him the integrity speech… he was taking advantage that I was focused on my work and not have the integrity to stop on his own.
After some protest, he switched off the Xbox. He picked up the book to read and a few minutes in, asked me if he could read is his room, to which I said yes. He went upstairs and closed the door. My partner went in a few minutes later and he was playing on his phone.
I was so annoyed. Earlier in the week he also lied to my face saying he had read at his granny’s house which granny then said was not true. I should add here that he’s been a golden boy forever. Out of the three; he’s always helpful, always respectful and honest. So this turn in behaviour has left me at a loss.
I confiscated the phone and asked him to read. Later on I told him there would be no devices this weekend. He put on his pyjamas and got himself into his bed, crying.
We later went to fetch his little sister from ballet and then went back to granny’s house so he could find a pen he borrowed from my niece. It was on the way back that he blurted out he had a “solution”… but he didn’t want to say it. Until I insisted.
When we got home we sat in the car just the two of us to talk it through. I told him that having these kinds of thoughts after such unimportant events was worrying. That life is precious and it isn’t just roses, there’s a lot of thorns too… and that’s how we appreciate the roses. That learning to deal with difficult situations was all part of growing up and that even we, as adults, find it hard.
I told him I was concerned for his mental health, that if he had a broken leg I would take him to a physical health doctor, and that in this case, I should take him to someone that can help him deal with his emotional issues.
He was very open and honest. He said that it’s not just the gaming, it’s small things that happen daily which then compound into a big thing and then that’s when he has these thoughts. I thought to myself “yes, that happens to us adults too”, but I didn’t say it.
He said that when he’s in these difficult situations he thinks of many things and reasons for wanting that outcome but then he’s afraid of it and doesn’t think he would really do it, and then he forgets the details, so he is not able to talk them through. I suggested he keeps a journal where he writes down what he feels in the moment and then he can pick it up when he needs to discuss with me or a counsellor.
He said “let’s see how it goes”, and he promised me not to do anything stupid. When we went in to the house, my partner told me to go into his room, where I saw he had written on his little board “I’m a monster and I’m going to kill myself on xxx” (the date after his birthday). I called him up and he said he’ll rub it out. That he’s ok now.
That didn’t help me feel less concerned and less powerless to help my little boy overcome these difficult emotions/feelings. 😢
Now the search begins for someone that can help.