Sometimes I feel that I’m not cut out for this…
Today is one of those times.
I was never allowed to have cats or dogs as a child. We lived in a flat, with no outdoor spaces, and my parents didn’t think it was a good environment for having those kinds of pets. So I had the little ones, gold fish, little turtles, hamsters and budgies. The latter were my favourite. I tamed all the ones I had and the last one was with us 13 years. I got him when I was 12, he was only a baby who didn’t have all his feathers and he was my best friend. When I left to go to South Africa I was 24. He died when I was 25. I remember that my Mom didn’t tell me about it for more than a year.
Anyway, back to my point. They say that having a cat or a dog is like having a child. And many kids start having that responsibility when they’re young. That didn’t happen to me. I had the low maintenance ones.
When I became a parent, this thing of being solely responsible for the life of another human being was rather overwhelming.
Eleven years later, it still is. And now I have that times three.
Today is Saturday. When I woke up, I had a nice plan for the day. Unusually sunny for September in London, this was an excellent day to go out to the kids favourite park.
But alas, it wasn’t to be. One shouted at the other, the little one had a tantrum and refused to eat, the middle one ended up crying after I left them to play a game of cards I had just taught them.
It was a hard day. And my way of dealing with it was to ground them all. I simply don’t have the energy to do all the “positive parenting” stuff today.
This week was hard, the summer holidays were exhausting. And I am left wondering if maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I’m such a lousy mom that I’m just producing unhappy, ill mannered, frustrated, angry children, whilst feeling like a walking ball of stress all of the time.
Tonight I am just grateful that I managed to put them in bed. That they are fed and safe. And that I didn’t lose it.
I envy those parents that went to bed happy after a playful and fun day with their kids. My life is not like that. And I blame myself, for not being a better parent.
I know I’m not alone.
Hang in there. Much love! 💙