It’s Remembrance day today. It’s 100 years since World War I ended, and we still remember those that died, so that we could be free. In that conflict and the ones that followed, to this day, soldiers go into battle fields and defend their nations according to what is asked of them.
Two years ago, on this date, chosen by me for its significance, for being a date when we remember the end of conflict, I got divorced.
And that is what I thought that day would represent for me. A cease fire, an end to fighting, disagreements and resentment.
Unfortunately that was not so. And that is because we have children. If we didn’t we would go our separate ways and possibly never speak again. Instead, we have to keep in touch, for their sake. We have to sync up every so often about aspects of the kids’ lives that we have to manage jointly.
So even though there was an end to the marriage, now there is this kind of Cold War. And, in some respects, this is worse. Because while we were married I was at least entitled to argue my views and try to resolve things. But now, I’m not. I still voice my opinions, but mostly I’m faced with a “my house, my rules” kind of response, which you cannot constructively work from.
They tell me kids are flexible and adaptable. That I must just chill and trust that they know that the rules at my house are different to the rules at Daddy’s house and they will respect my rules.
And that may be so with the two eldest. But not with Miss A. She was 3 when we split up and since then, in my humble opinion, at Daddy’s house, she is still that age. When she comes to my house, I suffer the consequences.
She cries for just about anything and tantrums when she’s ignored. She complains about the food. She doesn’t use her words. She is clingy and fragile. She doesn’t want to sleep in her bed and calls me several times in the middle of the night… just to name a few things.
At Daddy’s house the two pillars of parenthood are that the kids feel loved and that they have good values. I agree. But I don’t think it’s enough. Kids also need boundaries, structure and routine. And, more importantly, their independence needs to be cultivated, by giving them increasing levels of responsibility and freedom, appropriate for their age.
A teenager won’t just wake up one day and be responsible. It’s something that is taught and practiced from the time you can walk.
I’ve tried several times to establish a common framework. He even heard it being advised to us at a parenting course we both attended. We are very different parents, him and I. I accept that. But we could, at the very least, have a baseline, a common denominator from which to build upon. But he’s not interested. It’s probably too much for him. And so I keep being the strict Mom and him the cool Dad.
It’s still very present in my head why we got divorced, why it didn’t work. We weren’t a team. And now, two years later, it’s just painful to see that a great deal of the stress in my life is still directly related to his actions (or lack thereof).
I started a mindfulness course last week. First time I’ve actually done one of these. I sure need to learn to relax, to let go, to better manage the stress and pressure. Not just in theory but in practice. Because my body is feeling it and I’m getting ill because of it…
Namaste 🙏🏻