Sometimes I look in the mirror and I find myself rather beautiful. It happens seldomly and for only a moment, but it does happen, when I think of how old I am and how young I still look, how young I still feel. I think my children are beautiful too and they must have gotten something from me.
But then there are times, like this evening, when I look in the mirror and I see ugliness. I see beyond the face into my heart and soul and I see the darkness of anger, of resentment, of righteousness, of sorrow.
I feel the weight of thwarted expectations. Some from my children, a lot from my ex-husband, most from myself.
I wanted to be a very different Mom to what I am. I managed to do most of the things I wanted to do in terms of discipline, of structure, of teaching my kids independence.
But I failed miserably on fun, on empathy, on teaching them independence of thought, of choice; I failed on teaching them resilience, confidence, self-awareness, self-discipline and possibly the most important of all, self-esteem.
I have suffered from low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. Always thought of myself as the nerdy ugly duckling of the family. I had skills, talents, high IQ, but not good looks. And when the teenage years came, and with it peer pressure and comparisons, I dwelled in self-pity.
Fast forward to the present day and I am not as bad now. I do have some self-esteem, I have developed my EQ along the way, and I can certainly recognise my own evolution.
But sometimes, I am still the angry, resentful girl that lashes out completely out of control.
For the past 4 weeks I have done a course organised and funded by my local council called Family Toolkit. It was a great learning experience that opened up my horizons to new possibilities in parenting.
Yesterday was the last instalment and I came home with a renewed sense of understanding and purpose towards the art of motherhood.
And then, after a pleasant evening today with the kids, and some one-on-one time with the little one, Miss A, come dinner time and I completely lost it with her when she, once again, refused to eat her soup and was extremely rude at the table and started her signature crying tantrum (she’s almost 5 by the way).
I did not react well at all. Certainly not in the “positive, fun loving” way they taught us at the course. And now I feel awful about it.
So, I messed up, again. So, there’s a long way to go still. I feel ugly as I go to sleep and powerless to do anything right now.
Yet, tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to be better. And I will embrace it come dawn.
Most importantly I need to forgive myself for not being the perfect Mom, while striving to be better tomorrow than what I was today.
Onwards!