Sometimes, doing something we love becomes second priority. Sometimes, third, fourth, etc, until you don’t do it anymore.
For the past couple of years or so I have regularly written in this blog. I have enjoyed relaying stories of the children, sharing how I coped in certain (challenging) situations and mostly, I liked talking about the constant juggling of motherhood with career.
It seems, though, that my career, my start-up, my parents and personal relationships have taken so much of my time, that I have had little time with the children lately. And consequently, less stories to talk about š
This year, although not yet finished, has been a year full of challenges. Full of big events and big decisions. Full of loss and grief.
Yesterday, as I could barely get out of bed, dwelling in a hole of self-pity mixed with laziness, I got thinking if I had hit rock bottom. Rock bottom – that place where you realise you’ve lost everything and there is nothing more to lose except maybe your own life.
And then I realised “hell, no!”. And the positive self-talk kicked back into gear: “you have a roof over your head, you are healthy, you have food on the table and you have 3 beautiful healthy children. You have people that love you and people that you love. You are A-ok!”
Never the less, it’s hard to cope with changes, especially those that hit you in the face without any warning. That’s what happened last week. After 4 days away in the US on a business trip to kick off a new exciting project at work, I land back in the UK to the news that Microsoft has decided to close down the Skype office in London. No warning, no selection process, just everybody being given the boot.
After 10 years of dedication to Skype, it was a difficult pill to swallow. I was in shock at first. Well, I was in shock for a few days. And I think I am constantly oscillating between the different stages of grief; denial and anger being the most present.
Having had a few days to let it sink in, like all the others, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon of the recruitment circuit. It’s daunting and at the same time exciting, being out there looking for the next challenge. At the same time, I keep thinking I should use this opportunity to really give my start-up a go, and focus as much time as possible in the next couple of months into moving it forward.
The irony of it all is that I actually wished this for myself. If you’re one of those people that, like me, believe we create our own reality, then believe me that the thoughts of what is happening had actually been in my mind quite a few times in the past year. The kicker is that my intention (in my lovely pink dream world) was to take the redundancy money and really dive into my start-up. The trouble is, when faced with the reality, it’s much scarier to actually do it. Especially when you are going through a divorce process and you have 3 kids to feed.
So where do you draw the line? Well, I’m guessing it’s different for everybody. For me, my current thinking (which might change next week, I am a woman after all), is that I will use up as much time as possible on the start-up until the end of the year, whilst looking for my next full time role to start next year.
This should also allow me a good break to recharge batteries, reconnect with my kids, be playful, enjoy the moment and actually allow myself to mourn the loss of a job that I loved so much and which was an integral part of my life for a decade :'(
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it really is that one’s life can change completely in a very short period of time, and that one has to learn to endure the bad and to really appreciate the good. To not take anything for granted, because even the most secure things can be pulled from under you without notice. That if you put your trust in things, people or a job, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and grief. I am grateful that I am not at rock bottom. I am grateful for all the people/things I do have in my life, and that’s where I want to stay. Grateful.