Before the Christmas break, we got a letter from Miss Z’s teacher about an upcoming school trip to St. Paul’s Cathedral. It was going to happen at the end of January.
I told Miss Z that as I worked really close to St. Paul’s I would go meet her there to give her a kiss and a hug. For more than a month she was waiting for this day in anticipation. I bet she told all her friends too.
I had spoken with the teacher who told me they would be going somewhere else first and then walk to St. Paul’s at noon.
I arrived at the Cathedral at 12 noon on the dot. The clock was ringing and everything. I went inside via the main entrance and they told me that the school visits entered via a side entrance to the Crypt. So I went there, only to be told that they had already gone in. I was also told they would be back for a workshop at 1pm.
I don’t know if you’ve been to St. Paul’s recently, but it costs £17 to get in. And I didn’t think I should pay that when I didn’t intend on visiting the place… just say hi to my child. I waited around the entrance for a while, hoping I would see them come up the stairs from the crypt to the main cathedral. At 12,30 there was a service, so I asked if I could attend. It’s free to attend services, and so I went in.
During the service I saw a group from her school go by, but I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t believe I missed my chance.
Being the goody-two-shoes that I am, I didn’t wonder in the Cathedral after the service. I went outside and went back to the Crypt entrance, only to be told that they had been early and already gone inside again.
I waited around, wondering what to do. I had to be back in the office for 2pm for a team meeting, and I hadn’t eaten lunch. I decided to go get a sandwich and stick around until 1,45pm. It was raining and freezing when I went outside, but I stuck around. I ate my sandwich as quickly as I could and I went back in.
I heard some voices and went up to the gate and saw a group from her school. I asked one of the little boys about Miss Z and he said “she’s not here”. Then I managed to get the attention of one of the volunteer Moms and she came to the gate. She told me that there were two groups and Miss Z was in the other one. They were meant to meet again for the bus as 2,10pm. Too late for me to wait. I asked her to tell Miss Z about seeing me when she got back on the bus.
I waited around a few more minutes, but the other group didn’t come by. And so I left, deflated, feeling like a failure. I played it again in my head, wondering if there was something I could have done better. I could have been earlier, I could have paid the £17, I could have wondered after the service.
I called Miss Z after the nanny picked her up from school. She didn’t want to talk to me at first. I think she thought I was upset with her. I told her I had tried to see her. That I was there for almost 2 hours looking for her and I even spoke with one of the Moms to tell her that I was there.
It only hit me at the end of the day – why things happened this way. I did all I could (bar cheating) to see her. And I’m sure she was waiting and hoping to see me. And so she was disappointed. I know I was. But disappointment is part of life, and we only learn to deal with it when we have to deal with it. It’s a pill that is hard to swallow. But better to start small.
Disappointment is part of life. Let’s remember that, especially when we’re running around like headless chickens, trying to be super perfect Moms.