Most parents probably agree that shouting and screaming at kids is counterproductive. It just produces children that will shout and scream as a way to resolve problems.
And in theory, it should be possible to resolve issues without ever having to shout. Being that I am Portuguese, however, this is a really difficult thing to do. You are brought up among passionate, shouty people. People raise their voice for just about anything.
When I had Miss Z, I was really patient, consistent and soft spoken. When she was a baby, she was a little angel. In fact, she would cry if people raised their voice near her. But by the age of 3½ (give or take), I had a totally different child. School inevitably changes them, and Miss Z was no exception. She started pushing the boundaries more and more, and I found myself running out of patience quicker and quicker.
And, as we know, when you’re pushed to the limits, you just react out of habit. And so the shouting began. It became a game of “who shouts louder wins”. Fast forward a couple of years and both Miss Z and Mr A shout when they get upset or frustrated – they shout with us, with each other and with other kids too.
Not happy with this new reality, I decided to change it. Which basically meant stop shouting of course. Easier said than done. By the time they’re 6, kids can really push your buttons, and when you have a child screaming right on your face, you need to have super strength not to shout back (or smack them for that matter).
So I tell you the solution. Which is not the same thing as saying that it’s easier to put in practice. I’m still finding it hard myself.
When there is a conflict and they shout at you at the top of their lungs, just count to 5 before saying anything. That gives your brain a chance to think before shouting.
Secondly, give them 2 options. Option 1 normally being what you want them to do or choose. Option 2 being that they get nothing, or do nothing, or don’t go anywhere, etc. You get the picture.
This teaches them two things: one, that shouting doesn’t resolve the problem; two, that they have choices (albeit limited).
All going well, they will slowly but surely stop the shouting behaviour as a default MO. But that will only happen if you lead them by example. I am very much in that “2 steps forward, 1 step back” phase… but always trying!
Good luck, let me know how it goes!