As another winter starts, and the cold draws near, most people I know are looking forward to a festive season with their families.
It’s the end of the decade… a decade that for me will be mostly remembered by my becoming a parent.
Although my eldest is already 11, it’s been the last 10 years that have been most challenging. The arrival of my son, then a miscarriage and then my youngest daughter arriving, their early years, my divorce, another relationship bringing a step parent to the fold… it’s all been full of unknown challenges which have been quite difficult to overcome. Still are…
Many times I’ve felt helpless and at the brink of quitting. Many more times, I’ve looked at them playing or sleeping… simply breathing… and am in awe of how these little creatures came from inside me.
They drive me insane. And I bend over backwards for them. I am constantly running, tired and stressed when they’re around. I miss them like crazy when they’re not.
This Christmas they’re with Dad, and so it feels a little empty. I had an early Christmas lunch with them before school was out but it doesn’t make up for the fact that they won’t be with me on the special night.
It also makes me think about my own parents a lot. Every time my eldest shows me attitude or is just plain rude, it takes me back to the many times I did the same to my Mom, to my Dad. I was such a rebellious child… so much anger and upset inside me growing up…
The people around me say it’s a phase. Some say she needs help (I think I do too), and some say I should be grateful that at least I have two “as good as gold” kids. But I feel proud of all of them. I know my eldest is the troublesome one, but I am still proud of her. Even in all her feistiness and rudeness… she reminds me so much of me.
And I didn’t turn out that bad. Sure, I had a lot of heartache, mostly derived from my own insecurities leading me to bad choices. But we all learn from our own suffering. And we can turn the table around from those experiences.
I miss my Mom a lot. She’s still here but not really here. I suspect she won’t be here for much longer. She was a saint to have put up with me. With all my “temper tantrums”… always forgiving, always loving, always accepting. Only now I appreciate her for that.
I hope the new decade will bring us all a little more kindness and joy. A little more appreciation for the present moment and for the people in our lives, that love us no matter what, and that won’t be around forever.
The last ten years have been full of changes… of growing up… I think we only really learn to be adults when we have kids…